FiveList: Top Five Ways to Get Rid of Your Tyrranical Tudor Husband

In honor of finishing my viewing of The Tudors (which I followed up with viewings of Elizabeth and Elizabeth: The Golden Age), here are the Top Five Ways to Get Rid of Your Tyrranical Tudor Husband:

5. Live Longer Than the Fat, Old Bastard

The easiest way to get rid of the smelly, obese, no-account philanderer is to just outlive him. Now, as we’ll see with my other suggestions, that ain’t exactly easy. But I have faith in you.

Example: Catherine Parr

4. Don’t Fuck Him

The second easiest way to get rid of the dude is to avoid his dick like it’s the plague. And, if he never touches you, he’ll never have an excuse to have you killed later. So, bonus.

Example: Anne of Cleves

3. Don’t Give Him a Son

Deny him the one thing he wants more than anything in the world. Wait to do this until there’s a saucy little Lutheran minx among your ladies in waiting for even better results.

Example: Katherine of Aragon

2. Give Him a Son

Give the asshole a son after it’s become amazingly obvious that the fates don’t want that son of a bitch to have a male heir. I mean, fate’s undeniable, right? So, I’m sure fate’ll take good care of you. I’m sure.

Example: Jane Seymour

1. Off With Your Head!

Do something they’ll call treason. Or even just appear to do something treasonous. Or, in a pinch, just be difficult on the wrong day. I mean, you believe in God, right? So, like, you’re all set.

Examples: Anne Boleyn and Katherine Howard