The Cider Press #004 - Making Beats on iPhone

The column where we crush a hot Apple news story down to the sweet, sweet nectar of a single paragraph.

Making music on the iPhone has become one of my favorite pastimes. I’m not very good at it, but fiddling around with Ocarina and Band has always been for a few laughs, if nothing else. There are people out there, however, who are getting down to business with these apps, and trying their damnedest to produce some “dope joints.” In the video included above, Henny shows us how he makes it happen with Beatmaker, an app I hadn’t heard about until today, and that I kind of hope I don’t hear about again (since hearing about it again will probably make me buy it, a purchase which would make no sense, because, well, I ain’t got no rhythm). The truth is, they shouldn’t make making music so easy. Because those of us who pick up an iPhone, use it as an instrument, and then fancy ourselves musicians—well, we deserve to have our heads cut off by Vanilla Ice impersonators wielding broken Debbie Gibson LPs. And we deserve, like Denis Leary once said, to rot in hell next to the Bay City Rollers while listening to Andy Gibb singing “Shadow Dancing” for eons and eons. Rihanna pleads with us, “Please don’t stop the music.” But when it comes to iPhone music applications, the Geek Force Five say: “Please, for the love of Pete, stop!!!