When I’m feeling particularly low, I’ll sometimes have daydreams about what my funeral would be like or who would visit me in the hospital if I got into a car accident. At those moments, when I’m feeling really down on myself, I’ll really get to thinking that the only way I’d ever feel truly loved and truly wanted in this world is if I was gone or almost gone from it.
I’m not feeling quite that low tonight, but after a long day at work and a shitty commute home I am not feeling very good either.
Those demented fantasies of mine are really disturbing to me when I’m able to look back on them with hindsight. Often, a daydream like one of those will end with me shaking my head once or twice, or maybe even with me giving myself a stern talking to. I don’t like thinking those thoughts, so when I do I tend to reprimand myself afterwards.
The thought that’s been occurring to me tonight, the one that’s brought me down despite my best efforts to stay up and positive, is the thought that for the first time in my life I don’t have a best friend around every day. Back in college I had Rachael for the first two years and for a good part of the third year as well. She was a constant part of my life until right around when Stef and I got together, and at that point I was so into my new relationship I didn’t need a friend as much.
In high school JonMartin hung out all the damn time. Whether it was at the comic book store or at band practice, aside from a couple of months spent estranged because of the whole Tracy thing, there were few days where we didn’t at least spend a few minutes chilling out and talking and being friends.
As far back as I can remember I had someone like that. Now I have no one. Rachael’s off in New Hampshire. Jon’s off in England. Stef and I, well we’re Stef and I, and we’re basically one unit so it’s not the same thing.
It comes back to the ease with which you were able to be with your friends back in college. Now, in the “real” world, the only people you see on a regular basis are coworkers and, for the most part, all you have in common is work. Even those couple of people who you really get along with, you don’t have time to just hang out and befriend them like you did back in the day. You just have time for work.
Anyway, I’ve come to the realization that I’m a social animal that isn’t getting enough interaction to survive.