Ball Peen Hammer

Today I decided to start my vacation early, my vacation from working out that is. I haven’t been feeling well lately and it was hot out and I really felt as if I needed a break to concentrate on getting my business back in order and concentrate on being a more positive husband. I am happy to report that my plan worked in satisfying at least one of those ambitions. Tonight, I was a more positive husband.

I did make an attempt at getting the book business back on track, but as always, the fact that I took publishing matters into my own hands seems to have backfired again. I wrote a note to a local public-access television show on writing. They wrote back and dismissed me offhand because of my self-publishing background. It doesn’t seem fair, but it’s just the way it is.

I did write back to the woman at the show just now, but it hasn’t done much to lift my spirits. Seeing that note in my inbox tonight was just the ultimate downer. I felt as if I’d made some real progress in pitching my story. Even if I had gotten a rejection tomorrow, I would’ve at least had tonight to savor my renewed sense of ambition. But the slap in the face came swiftly and now I face the prospect of trying to fall to sleep, knowing that I’ve stumbled into another roadblock I don’t know how to get around.

I’ve spent all the money I had earned on the 100 copies of my book that are still sitting in this room and I can’t move even one of them. Not one.

At times I would like to just be done with the whole thing and move on. I think that’s part of the appeal of graduate school. If I had a deadline, a certain time when it was time to give up on my book and move on to something else… if I had that, I think maybe I’d be more motivated to get out there and get this shit sold.

But does motivation even matter? I can motivate myself to keep making phonecalls and sending e-mails but my motivation isn’t ever going to make those people I get in touch with say “Yes.”

Ugh. I’m sick of being depressed. Somebody bean me over the head with a ball-peen hammer please.