The Big Blue Funk - Love

The following reflection was written in 2003, when I was between 25 and 26 years old.

The Big Blue Funk of 1997. It’s a term I co-opted from an interview with Aerosmith drummer Joey Kramer that I’d read. In the period leading up to the recording of the new Aerosmith album, Nine Lives, the delayed reaction to the death of his father had finally caught up with him and he’d entered what he called a “big blue funk.” That’s exactly how I felt that summer, like every mistake I’d made for twenty years on the Earth was finally catching up with me. And it all started with a woman taking from me something I shouldn’t have offered.

Something changed when Nydia took my virginity from me, even before she broke it off with me two days later. It occurred to me that everything I’d done for the past three or four years had been for the wrong reasons. I quickly put that feeling aside when she broke it off with me, as I put so many things aside, and I moved on to my next crush.

When things got fucked up with Heather T. and I was ostracized from a group of friends I thought I was just beginning to really get close with, that was when the shit hit the fan. The semester was over and I was going on summer break with everyone pissed at me.

Break began and whether conciously or unconciously, I decided to finally wage war on myself and see what I was all about.

Over the next eight months I would partake in an amazingly depressing journey of self-discovery. I spent time analyzing what I wanted, what I’d done wrong with girls, with art, with everything. I spent time figuring out who the fuck Chris Clark was. I couldn’t ever explain to anyone what was going through my mind, but it was important that I went through it.

When I came out the other end I would be ready for the most important relationship and the most important creative work of my life. I didn’t know that in May 1997 though. I just knew something was wrong with me.

Something was very wrong.