The End of Innocence

The following reflection was written in 2003, when I was between 25 and 26 years old.

It was after midnight when she finally asked me if I was ready. Russel had come back for a moment and dropped condoms secretly into his top dresser drawer for me. We had been watching Dracula, the movie she’d picked out to play while she was teasing me and we were done with that. The house was quiet and we were alone. I’d been looking forward to this moment the whole of my post-pubescent life and it was finally here.

It was finally here and it was wrong. It was all fucking wrong.

I walked across the room and grabbed one of the two condoms from Russel’s top dresser drawer and returned to my bed. Nydia undressed, as did I. There was not much work in getting me ready, so to speak, and she put the condom on. Quickly, she got on top of me and just as quickly, barely a minute or two later, it was over.

She got off of me and laid down beside me and I think she mentioned doing it again later. We had another condom after all. Would I be up for another go? I guess we’d see.

It was the strangest feeling in the world and I won’t attempt to put it into words. I felt, at once, like I had taken a step that I had needed to take for a very long time… but I also felt as though I had made the biggest mistake of my life. I didn’t love her. She gave me pleasure but… but what good was that except in small doses?

I guess she saw things the same way I did, because on Monday the third she wrote to me or called me (I can’t remember which) and broke it off. She was going to go back to her ex-boyfriend in Georgia. It was over.

Imagine my frustration, my sadness. Had I been that bad? Didn’t she realize it was my first time? What was wrong with me? Why had she bothered to fuck me if she was going to break it off two days later? Why hadn’t she refused the offer of that most precious part of me if she had known it wasn’t meant to be? She was the experienced one. Why the fuck did she do that to me?

I was angry but there was nothing I could do about it. It was time to move on. The girl I’d had a crush on since the fall was single now. Maybe I stood a chance with her. And maybe, if I ever got to the point where sex was a possibility with her, maybe I would figure out what it was all about.