Any Orifice Will Do?

The following reflection was written in 2003, when I was between 25 and 26 years old.

There was a short time in the aftermath of the Jennifer debacle that I was so hungry for sexual gratification I would have accepted any offer presented to me. On the dating sites I visited I began to be looser in my restrictions of what I was looking for. For a short while, I thought any pair of lips, any orifice — male or female — would do. I was desperate. I was sick and tired of waiting for things to happen naturally, to happen in their due time.

There were two men and a transvestite named Lori whose e-mail propositions I entertained. Lori seemed like more of a possibility to me because, even if it was a guy, at least it would look like a girl. Lori wasn’t working out though, (he was getting weirder and weirder and not responding to some of my e-mails), and I figured if I’d gone this far I might as well go all the way. I eventually set up a phonecall with one of the men in the week before Thanksgiving.

It wasn’t far into the phonecall when I realized it wasn’t for me. He was talking to me and to a degree, he sounded turned on, but for me… for me it wasn’t working. I wasn’t interested when I was presented with the reality of it. Any orifice wouldn’t do. I wanted a woman.

I felt confused and ashamed and ashamed that I was ashamed. I eventually wrote to him to tell him I couldn’t go through with anything. I was too weak to even say it aloud. I let my fingers provide the reason.