Bottle of Frustration
I almost had myself a minor nervous breakdown as I contemplated 401(k) plans tonight and eventually I decided that the whole process of investing my money was too fucking complicated and it was time for me to calm the hell down and stuff. Stef sort of talked me down and I confided that, even though I spent months in therapy learning how to control my depression, I never learned how to control my anger. This all goes back to my father warning my brother as a kid that one day he was going to tease me one too many times and I would finally let it all out.
I’m sure I’ve ranted about this before, so I’ll spare you the rehash. We all know I keep shit bottled up inside. What I probably haven’t mentioned as much are the violent surges I feel every day when I’m stressed out, when I’m driving, and when things are generally not going my way. I do feel the urge to hurt people or destroy things sometimes. I never act on these urges, except in the case of breaking a glass or a stool every once in a blue moon, but I worry what would happen if I did start bending to their will.
What finally calmed me down was reading to Stephanie from the third play in my Silver family trilogy, Just Like Family. I forgot what a good beginning that first draft was. I will have to get back to it someday.
Today was strikingly like yesterday in every regard and I believe that’s where a great deal of my frustration came from. I am sick of repetition and stagnation. That’s what I told Stephanie when I was really upset, before I calmed down and realized I am indeed working on getting out of the rut I’ve been in.