I wrote something in an e-mail to Stephanie today that I’m still thinking about twelve hours later. I wrote something to the effect of, “I wish I could concentrate on work while I’m at work and on other things when I’m not at work.” The truth is that there are an innumerable amount of things I have on my mind during the day and hardly any of them ever have anything to do with my job. This is most troublesome to me.
I need my job. Unless I win the lottery tonight I need the paycheck that I collect every week. Therefore, I needed to do well at my job so that they don’t see any reason to fire me. The lack of concentration I encounter on a daily basis does not help this cause.
It is not that I wish to stop thinking about the things I think about. Actually, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. The things I think about—the script I’m writing with JonMartin, the beginning of my MFA program, my new website, marketing my book—are the things that I live for. I don’t want them to go away. I simply wish I could convince them only to show up during walks down the hallway and lunch breaks and the hours before and after work.
Jon and I just finished our weekly writing session and it went quite well. These are the nights that I live for but in order to truly enjoy them I need the money that I get from doing a good day’s work. I need the job for security. I wish the daydreaming would take heed of that and play along.