Pains In My Ass

This morning I dealt with the figurative pain in the ass that is my latest story and then I dealt with the literal pain in the ass that is my ass. I woke up, did my two hours of work on “The One About Carl” and then, when I hit the shower, I discovered swelling around the puckered mouth of my asshole. It could have been harmless but I am a hypochondriac. Instantly, I was in a cold sweat. I was convinced this was the end of me. When I got to work I made an appointment with the doctor.

Needless to say, I was distracted all day long. When my appointment at 2:45 came and I was sitting in the doctor’s office, naked from the waist down with nothing to cover me except a thin paper sheet, I wondered what he would tell me.

The doctor came in and we discussed my persistent diarhhea and occasional nausea and we came to the conclusion that that is probably diet and stress related. Then, I mentioned the ass problem. He had me flip over on my side and did the examination and boy, was it ever fun!

In the end, it turned out to be a rather abnormally sized hemmorhoid but I did feel much better about having gone in. I’m sure that the doctor thinks I must just enjoy coming in and having him stick his finger up my ass at this point but whatever.

They did manage to screw up my prescription though. I got what I needed but it came in under my Dad’s name. He and I have the same doctor. I’ve got to go in tomorrow morning (the doctor’s office is across the parking lot from work) and ask them about it. I certainly hope he didn’t write down in my Dad’s record something about a hemmorhoid he doesn’t have. I’d hate for a conversation to start like this:

“How’s your ass Mr. Clark?”

“My ass is just fine? Are you checking out my ass?”

“Well, only if you ask me to.”