I had a minor nervous breakdown this morning when I finally turned on my laptop to write. It took me a while to even get out of bed. The Apathy was like a third person in our bedroom, pushing me down whenever I tried to get up. When I got to my computer, though, that’s when the tears started and the whimpering. I literally couldn’t stand to look at the words I’d written. I thought they were horrible and beyond hope of repair. Remembering the horrible review I’d received the last time, I turned off my computer and gave up.
Back in the bedroom, Stef consoled me while I cried and tried to figure out why I was so upset. Was it work? Was it the writing? Was it everything piling up on me all at once? Eventually, I got out of bed and I got ready for work and the busyness of the day kept me distracted.
I had to stay late, however, and when I got home all it took was Stef and I disagreeing about whether or not buying land and building a house was a better idea than buying an existing place. Suddenly I realized what time it was, that I’d gotten through the entire day without any writing to show for it, and I was miserable. I calmed a little bit while watching some television but my chest tightened up and that got me scared and now that its time for bed I just hope that I can divert my thoughts for long enough to get to sleep.
And I hope that tomorrow, somehow, I’ll be able to produce something. My deadline is Monday and I don’t even have a first draft yet.