So, I went to go get a haircut at Fred’s with Jon tonight and when we walked out of Fred’s house after a nice chat two things became clear to me: It was really, damn cold and I wasn’t quite sure about my haircut. You see, I let Fred color it a bit—or, to be more accurate, lighten it a bit—and I keep waffling on my feelings. I love the cut. And I think in time I will come to love the color. And really, I kind of love the color now. But, then again, it’s really shocking to me when I look at it and I don’t want to be having long, drawn-out conversations with people about my hair. I want them to notice, to go, “Holy shit, he looks better every day”, but I don’t want to make a big deal out of it.
Anyway, I’m gonna keep going to back to Fred because he really has become a partner in my reimagining of my physical self. I’m trying things with my appearance that I haven’t tried before. I want to try more things. I want to enjoy the results that I’ve worked for.
I discovered the real basis of why I’ve been so upset in recent months, too. I think, and of course I could be wrong, that my problem is that I’ve run out of things to hate about myself. And it’s driving me crazy. I can’t yell at myself for being fat anymore. I can’t yell at myself for being a shitty writer anymore—well, at least not on a regular basis. It’s scary. I’ve fallen back on my hatred of myself for so much of my life. To not have that…
I mean, it’s also the stress that’s been stressing me out. But, this self-improvment has something to do with it, too.
So, I’m off to bed now becuase I want to spend some quality time at the Boston Public Library tomorrrow and it’s late and I need to go to bed.