I dread the little e-mails I come into in the morning from the head of the company, in response to my previous day’s Evening Report. Most of the time they say, “Thanks, Chris”. One time, last week, the response was a tirade about how I wasn’t producing any deliverables and I was deluding myself in thinking that I’d actually accomplished anything that day. I’m fragile. I can’t take being yelled at. I am doing my best to help the company out and earn my paycheck, but the stress created by these simple little e-mails is brought to bear on me from the moment I leave at the end of the day (when I send the message he’ll be responding to) all the way till the next morning.
It’s even begun to punctuate my morning writing sessions. When the alarm goes off and tells me it’s time to go write, I often don’t want to because getting up means that pretty soon I’m going to have to go into work and face that little e-mail. It’s crazy, but it’s true.
The plus side of life today is that Stephanie’s breakdown yesterday was really what she needed and she’s feeling better. The down side is that my own breakdown has done just that: it’s broken me down. I have very little energy and right after my workout tonight I could feel the melancholia building, actually flowing out from the center of me into all of my extremeties.
Anyway, progress continues on the novel. It’s slow—I’m only adding about a page a day—but I’m producing well-wrought stuff. At least, I think I am.