It seems to me that I need to be in motion at all times, in all things, for me to be happy. This afternoon, after a frustrating day spent splitting time in front of the computer and the television, I ended up getting in the car and going for a drive to release tension. What was I tense about? I don’t know. What I do know is that the idea of a lingering thought seems to be terrifying to me. Letting myself focus on any one thing seems to bring trouble.
I’m so sad sometimes, and I don’t know why. When I can stop and be analytical, I see that there’s really not much wrong. But then maybe, I think, maybe I’m deluding myself in those moments instead. Maybe the fact is that there is something very wrong. What it is, though, is what I can’t figure out.
What scares me is when you start wishing for time to pass more quickly. You start off wishing the hour would pass more quickly, and then the day. But when you get to thinking, I wish June would get here soon and it’s still only February or March—then I think you have problems. Has life really become so unbearable on a daily basis that I’m waiting for one, maybe two weeks of life that I’ll actually enjoy each year?
How sad is that? How sad is it that I have a hard time finding anything positive about any Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday? How sad is it that the only days of the week where it seems even possible to have a good day are Friday and Saturday? How sad is it that I can’t seem to have a good day on either of those days either?
I’m looking forward at the next six months of my life and I see myself breaking, finally breaking to the point of no return. I have no vacation coming to me. I have a wedding to go to in June and then School and just to do that I have to take unpaid time off. I need a break from everything, but I’m not going to get it.
I’d say I can’t go on like this, but the truth is that I do keep going on like this. Am I simply living out of habit now? Is there anything that can be done or am I just too far gone?