Vacation. All I Ever Wanted.
One of my biggest fears each morning is that I’ll come into work and have a big old nastygram waiting in my e-mail inbox telling me what a fuck-up I am. This hasn’t happened in months, but I still stress about it every evening and every morning. I do have the capability of checking my e-mail from home but I’ve hesitated to do so because I’ve wanted to be able to believe myself when I say it’s no use and that checking it isn’t going to do me any good. Today when I came in to a joking response to the troubles I’d reported yesterday I was immediately laughing and more light-hearted and I wondered if a nightly e-mail check wouldn’t relieve some stress and do me some good.
By this afternoon though, I was back to that place where I don’t want to check it. I want to get beyond this and leave work at work and forget about it when I get into the car at five o’clock each day to go home.
The real stress is me worrying about losing my job just as we’re getting close to closing on our house. It’s mostly an irrational fear, but I’m so stressed out about so many things and so in need of a honest-to-goodness rest that all I have are irrational fears right now.
People need to understand how much work I need to get done in the next seven days. I have well over a thousand pages of reading to get done. I have to rush around and get paperwork to fax to the mortgage company on my lunches, like I did today. I need to get my car fixed. I need to not lose my job.
I’m burnt out and there is no easing of the tension in sight. Once I’m done with the residency that starts next Friday, I’ll be back to work and it’ll be time to start moving into the house. Once I’m done with that, my car will need to be dealt with. Once I’m done with that…
What I need is a vacation. The trip to North Carolina was a tease for me. The relaxation it offered was amazing but short-lived. I long for a more extended period of rest. I need it. I need it very badly.