If the fundamental cause of stress in my life is the feeling that I lack control over my life then you can certainly understand why my return to real life after over a week away would be stressful. Most of my apartment is now packed away in a stack of boxes that I had no hand in packing. Almost all of the details of buying this house have been out of my control, save the most important one, which was picking out the house. The Fourth of July parade in Chelmsford wasn’t on the Fourth of July, like every other celebration seems to be. It was today instead. My hometown is looking nothing like it used to with all these new traffic lights and renovations that are making it look like a virtual everytown.
Admittedly, most of those things are not things that I need to have control over. And the packing that Stef has done has been more of a blessing than a curse. The trouble is that I came from a week spent in an environment where I had total control. I chose to be there. I chose to be part of the seminars I was a part in. I chose what stories I wanted to workshop. I didn’t choose to be a writer, but I chose to be a better one.
Now I’m back in an environment where it seems everything is decided for me and I’m slipping right back into the role of non-decider. Maybe that role didn’t change superficially while I was at school, but I did feel something change in me. I think it was this.
The real issue here is that I don’t want to stop smiling. I don’t want to stop having a good old time with friends. I want to see people I haven’t seen in ages. I don’t want to quit being the much improved Chris I’ve been for the past week.
Tomorrow, we close on our house. Hopefully, since I’ll be signing my own signature a thousand times, I’ll feel more in control then.