No Luck

Today came the monthly realization that our attempts at reproduction have failed yet again. Three years after we stopped trying to prevent it, two years after we started really trying, at least off and on, and after six months or so of trying really hard, timing it and all that shit, I think it’s safe to say that something is probably wrong. So, I’m faced with doing something I’ve been putting off for a couple of months. Mostly, I’ve put it off because I’ve never been quite sure how to tell my doctor that I want to set up an appointment to jerk off into a Dixie cup.

I do understand that it’s not really a Dixie cup, but I was trying to make a point. Okay?

How does one call up the doctor’s office and ask for a referral for a sperm count/test? I mean, it’s sure to be some female nurse and I’m sure to feel extraordinarily embarrassed. How do I ask? "Yes, miss. I, uhm, would like to set up an appointment to, uhm, uh, you know…"

"Uhm, no sir. I actually don’t know. What would you like an appointment for?"

"I need to masturbate… I mean, I need to cum in a cup… I mean, uhm…"


It just seems like such a strange thing to set up an appointment for. The last time I was at the doctor though, he did say to just call up when I was ready to come in for a test. He said it would have to be in the morning some time and that I would just go to the hospital and they’d handle it there.

Well, I mean, I’d handle it… They’d, you know, handle it when I was done. Not it, but, you know, the stuff.

I wonder, do they give you porn when you’re going in there? You know, for assistance? Or, do you just get sent into some sterile room and they just assume you have some hospital sex fantasy or something? I’m so uncertain of how this works.

I guess I’m trying to inject levity into this because it makes me really sad. Stef and I were at this party thrown by one of her coworkers and there were lots of kids there. Lots of them. And I just ached, knowing how hard we’ve worked at this to no avail. Hard work has generally paid off in every other aspect of our lives. Why not this?

Anyway, I’m going to promise myself that I’ll call the doctor this week and set up an appointment. It’s going to be weird, but somehow I’ll figure out how to say it. When something is this important, you just have to figure it out. Don’t you?