Broken

I did a lot of futzing around with the computer today and I’m probably going to need to use a Windows Restore Point to get the machine back in working order. God only knows why I feel the need to customize the look of my machine, but I do. When I get stressed out, when I have weeks like I’ve had, for some reason I feel the need to modify my surroundings. Since the computer is one of the places where I spend the most time, it’s one of the first things I start in on changing.

Actually, I usually spend so much time futzing around with the computer that I don’t get around to whatever else needs to be changed in my life. I futz and I futz and I futz some more and then I have to figure out a way to fix all of my futzing.

My computer works fine. Why do I want it to be something other than it is? Why do I become obsessed with little tweaks and fixes that will do almost nothing for me on a day to day basis? I don’t know.

Part of the reason that I keep busy is that I’m sad. I’ve been sad, to some degree or another, for the past ten years. Today, you see, is the tenth anniversary of my grandfather’s passing. Stef and I drove down to Littleton to see the grave today and I stood there, wondering who I had been before Grandpa was gone. I can’t even remember who I was, what I was like. I told Stephanie that I felt as if something had broken in me that day, that something had shattered irreparably.

I refuse to accept that I was always like this, that the rain cloud that seems to be hanging perpetually over my head has always been there. I think something did break in me and I guess I just keep on trying to fix it, like the computer, and I just keep on making it worse.