Not Knowing

We had the once-a-year family gathering at my parents house on Sunday, where all of my Dad’s sisters and their spouses and their kids show up and exchange gifts. Stephanie couldn’t be there, as she was finishing up schoolwork, so I went alone. The most difficult part for me, as you could imagine, was seeing the brand new baby that one of my cousins brought along and the inevitable questions about whether Stephanie and I were still trying and whatnot.

Let me be clear: I was not that upset. I feel like I have to qualify everything when I say things were difficult for me. It wasn’t like I was crying my eyes out (that came later). I was just a bit melancholy.

But, seeing the whole family is always a pick-me-up, and playing with the kids always amuses them and me both.

When I came home, Stef and I ordered a pizza and watched a movie (American Wedding) and then Desperate Housewives, and we should’ve just went to bed without talking, but we didn’t. We ended up talking about my day and the baby stuff and that’s just never good to talk about with us since right now, until she’s done with school, we don’t, or we haven’t, had time to do anything about it.

Anyway, I feel better now. I’m going to try and finally get myself a new doctor and an appointment to get myself checked out. What’s bothering me the most is not knowing what’s going on. If it’s just stress, I can work on that. If it’s that I have faulty equipment, I need that fixed. I just hate not knowing.