Lesley Residency 4.7

On Wednesday I had what was probably the most comprehensive and useful workshop of my work that I have ever had. I came out of the classroom feeling like I had a real novel on my hands, that I was going somewhere my readers were willing to follow, and that maybe, just maybe, I should stop doubting myself. All of this enthusiasm slipped away as the rest of the afternoon wore on, but then I spent the last hours of my evening in front of my laptop and I regained my confidence.

Much of the depression that’s struck from me from time to time throughout this residency has come from the realization that friendships I thought were pretty solid and strong seem to be quite the opposite. Some of this may have to do with the fact that we’re all stressed out about our impending thesis-writing semesters, but some of it, I am afraid, is that my friends may be tiring of me in much the same way as the readers of this page seem to tire of me from time to time.

I admire these people as writers, and I love having them as friends, but my old insecurities are welling up inside of me all of the time now, making me wonder if I’m just the guy that people wish would stop hanging around with them.

Anyway, I have been trying to focus on the writing instead, the lonely, lonely task I have set before myself. I think I finally have a target for how far I want to get in the novel. I think I’ve mapped out all of the major changes and additions that need to be made when I revise what I already have. It’s going to be an exciting few months, I’m sure, but also a stressful time.

I had drinks this afternoon, after workshop, with Jill and Sara. The three of us also went out after the reading tonight, along with Shera and Scott, to the pizza place around the corner. I shouldn’t be feeling socially insecure, but I do.

I’m also eating too many chocolate chip cookies at meals here. I thought I should note that.