Nap Hangover

Nap hangovers have nothing to do with alcohol. Nap hangovers are much worse than regular hangovers. ‘Course that could be just my opinion as I’ve never had a regular hangover but I really think that what I experienced this afternoon was much worse than anything you could ever pick up after an all night bender at the Chit-Chat (Haverhill represent!) Ladies and gentleman I had a major fucking nap hangover today and it sucked more ass than Chasey Lain, Raylene, and Jenna Jameson trying to break each other’s bests in an attempt to get their mugs into the Guiness Book of World Records right underneath the mention for world’s biggest gangbang.

A nap hangover, for the uneducated, is that awful feeling you get after taking a nap in the middle of the day that you kinda didn’t have to take. It’s more prevalent in college students than in anyone else (just like every other type of hangover) but I’ve been known to get one from time to time, even since my graduation. Today’s was a real bitch man. A real bitch.

The first time I ever heard someone use the expression was when Zeke talked to me about a nap hangover of his own while we watched the concluding minutes of Air Force One at his Cluster House one evening after class. He described it for me. Nap hangover consisted of certain, very specific symptoms. There was the general dizzyness and head pain. There was the bad breath. Matted hair on one side was not uncommon. A greater occurrence of pimples was not unheard of, especially for those who tended to drool more. You were irritable, cranky, pissed off at anyone who tried to get you to move quicker than molasses.

That was fucking today to a T.

I got to bed late last night. It’s become a common thing for me lately, to stay up as late as possible so that when I go to bed I’m too exhausted to beat myself up for being a slacker all day. Last night I can’t quite remember when I signed off the ‘puter but it was at least a couple hours into the new day and a while after I’d finished a rather nice AOL IM chat with Beth the Bassist (formerly of Soma fame). I went to bed late but it was generally (and specifically) a bad idea. I had to get up early today to go pick up my wedding ring from the jewelers and I had a payment on my auto loan due.

I woke up early and I was okay and pretty chipper until we left the apartment to go do our errands. Once we got in the car I was cranky and I attributed it to a lack of food. Quickly we picked up some breakfast at Dunkin Donuts. A guy in front of us ordered Iced Coffee and I was reminded of the line from Clerks, “Whadda you mean no ice? You mean I gotta drink this coffee hot?” and I laughed.

We went to pick up my ring in Nashua and the big mark that was supposed to be there from where they downsized it was hardly visible at all. I slipped it on and it was a little tight and then I tried to slip it off and it wouldn’t come off at all. Stef’s worried about this. I’m not. At least now I won’t worry about losing it.

I fell asleep in the car, resting on Stef’s arm, as we drove to Littleton to make my car payment. I wobbled in, made the payment, wobbled back out and fell asleep on her arm again on the way back home. When we made it into the parking lot I had a hard time getting out of the car. I felt weak.

I plopped right down in bed as soon as we got in and I didn’t wake up for about four hours. At around 4:30 I decided to try and get out of bed. This was when nap hangover ensued.

Oh it was awful. I could hardly move. I had a lingering headache. My stomach and intestines were screaming bloody murder. My mouth was dry. I had a couple of extra zits that weren’t there before…

I’m feeling a bit nauseous just thinking about it.

Anyway, I got up, fought my way through the nap hangover and made myself a pizza for a late lunch. This was a bad idea because, like a regular hangover, a nap hangover leaves your stomach in a rather bad state, and shoving a greasy pizza down your throat is no way to calm the tempest of your gut. I spent the rest of the afternoon and night with tremendous lower GI pain and even had to leave during a pivotal ten minutes of the movie Stef and I went to go see to worship the porcelain goddess of the Lawrence General Cinema.

Nap hangover is not your friend.

And thusly, so as to avoid having to take a nap and accordingly, end up with even worse nap hangover tomorrow (it snowballs you know) I am going to go to bed at a reasonable hour tonight. To hell with me badgering myself for being a failure today. I acknowledge that it was a total loss. Fuck it. I don’t care.