Waiting

If I had to point to the single factor that has most significantly contributed to my heightened stress level this past week, it would probably be the fact that I haven’t yet received my thesis advisor’s feedback on my latest submission. I submitted it to him on the seventh, as he was supposed to be out of the country beginning on the fourteenth, and now, it being the nineteenth, I am a little worried. I sent a prestamped priority mail envelope for him to return it to me in. That should have taken three days at the max. So, what’s happened to it? I don’t really know.

I do know that I need to turn the thing around again in less than two weeks. By April 7, it needs to be in the hands of my thesis reader, the second pair of eyes who will look at it. That means I have a maximum of two weeks to incorporate any and all suggestions from my advisor. And that two weeks of time is quickly dwindling.

When I sent the thesis, I had great confidence in it. I thought that it had come a long way from where it had been the previous month. Now, as I sit here waiting for the verdict, I find myself so terrified of looking at the manuscript, so terrified of what I might think of it, that I can’t even bring myself to open my own copy and glance over it to prime myself to write the remaining non-thesis chapters.

I’ve spent some time this weekend trying to analyze why I’ve been feeling the way I do. And the truth is that I feel this way because of the fear and guilt I feel about every aspect of my life. In a conversation with Stephanie tonight, I tried to pinpoint where this all started. But it’s so deep-rooted, this lack of self-worth, that I can’t remember a time when I didn’t feel this way.

I just hope that I come out of this soon. I hate feeling this way. I fear feeling this way which, I guess, just contributes to the fear swelling within me like a boil on my poor, tortured soul.

Yuck. I suck.