Hysterical

So, Stephanie lost her job today. As one might expect, I was more emotional and upset about it than she was. Lots of horrible, horrible thoughts came to my head as I was driving home from Cambridge and chief among them was this: If I wasn’t such an arrogant fuck, thinking I had potential as an artist, maybe she wouldn’t have had to work at that place for as long as she did. Being in the mood I was already in and then finding this out… Well, let’s just say that I’m happy I made it home in one piece.

Imagine our frustration. We’re on the verge of finding out what’s been keeping us from having kids and now we’re without health insurance. She’s unemployed, I’m only barely employed, and now we live in a house, with a mortgage, instead of an apartment. And I could get a fulltime job, but it would mean giving up on my MFA when I’m about two months from finishing it.

Add to this the fact that my thesis appears to have gotten lost in the mail (my advisor confirmed he sent it the day before he sent the package to the fellow who received his manuscript last Monday), and you can imagine what’s been going through my head tonight.

I’m a mess. Stephanie, it turns out, is doing pretty okay. Unlike my layoff, her boss was actually very respectful and offered a reference and showed sincere disappointment that they weren’t able to keep her on. She shouldn’t have any trouble finding a new job, in my opinion. But, in my one moment of clarity tonight, I told her she should take her time, do what Tori suggested I do when I got laid off: relax, take some time to herself, et cetera.

The conclusion we came to, when I wasn’t hysterical, was that we’ll pay for COBRA for two months to allow ourselves to get through the fertility testing. Stef actually has a hunch, based on a conversation with a friend with similar symptoms, of what it might be. If she’s right, the prescription involved is something relatively inexpensive.

Anyway, none of this will be an issue when she finds a job that pays her boatloads of money for her brilliance and when I sell my novel and when John wins the lottery on Wednesday, which he promised me he would.