Big Blue Funks Revisited

Back in 1997, I entered what I later referred to as a big, blue funk. I’d stolen the term from an interview with Aerosmith’s Joey Kramer that I’d been reading and I couldn’t think of a better way to describe the way I was feeling. There have been several times during the ensuing years that I’ve slipped to similarly frightening depths, but I think the place I’m in now is the closest I’ve come to the way I felt that summer almost eight years ago. And the thing is that what I’m upset about now is a far more inescapable reality than the silly set of circumstances that faced me then.

It seems silly now, looking back on the summer of 1997, to think that I was upset about such inconsequential things—girls who wouldn’t date me, girls who’d sleep with me but break up with me two days later, whether I was truly cut out for anything creative. Perhaps, in years to come, I will look back upon this year similarly. But right now it seems to me that there could be nothing more difficult to get through, no heavier burden that I could bear.

I guess that’s why, in trying to come up with a topic for tonight, I’ve found myself thinking back to that horrible, horrible summer. If I can look back on my concerns that year with a chuckle, then perhaps I can use that as a way to take my concerns right now a bit less seriously. I mean, being upset about this baby-making business really is silly in a way. Especially since we’re in the midst of doing something about it.

I’d like to just have a good cry about it and be done with it. But every time I try to let it out there seems to be something holding me back, as if to say that crying won’t solve anything and that if it won’t solve anything there’s no use in doing it.

I don’t know. There really isn’t all that much to say about today. I had today off and will work Friday instead and that left me with a lot of time to fester in my own pool of self-doubt. Stef was busy with one project after another and I just couldn’t find anything to do with myself. I never thought I’d say this, but I wish I still had more schoolwork to do. I wish I had some real, honest-to-goodness distractions.