Niagra Falls and My Personal Barrel

Stephanie booked a hotel room for our anniversary today. We’re going to Niagara Falls. I suppose I should’ve been the one to book the trip. I suppose it’s just another in what will be a series of failures as a husband but hey, I’m doing the best I can. Regardless of whose responsibility it was to get this thing organized it is now all set. All set, save a couple of important details.

We’ve figured out that it will take eight hours to get to the Falls and we have no desire to spend all day that Saturday driving just to go right to bed, wake up on Sunday morning and spend all day that day driving home. Thusly, we’ve decided to leave on Friday, drive half-way and stop somewhere and then drive the other half on Saturday morning. The problem now is, where will we be four hours in, and can we accurately predict where we’ll be in order that we might book a hotel room at that half-way point.

If anybody has any ideas I’d be happy to hear them. Email

The other detail I find myself pondering tonight is what, if anything, I should get her as an anniversary present. I agonized over what to give her for a wedding present a year ago and I’m really not looking forward to a lifetime of spending every April trying to figure out what would be appropriate. Isn’t there some key or something. Like for your first anniversary your supposed to get one particular thing and then for the fifth you’re supposed to get something else… Isn’t there something out there like that?

And all of this of course begs the question, should an unemployed bum like myself even be considering spending some large quantity of money he doesn’t really have?

Now, those problems aside I am really very excited about this trip. I haven’t been to Niagra Falls since I was a kid and I’m not sure that Stef has ever been. There seems to be something inherently romantic about the place. That might just be me buying into the marketing scheme but I doubt it. There’s always an element of truth, however small, behind the bullshit a PR person spews.

I just wish that I felt more confident about myself as a man right now. The joblessness continues to wreak havoc on my self-worth. My lack of any real solid leads since the Lowell Sun debacle has drained my confidence. Stef going back and forth between wanting to leave her job and wanting to stay because of her wanting to have a baby soon has wiped out whatever was left of my equilibrium.

This is my anniversary we’re talking about and I’m going into it as a big fucking mess. I don’t want that. Stef and I were just attempting to have a conversation about an article in TIME about women balancing family and career and I got all self-absorbed, defensive, and depressed. These are important conversations that I want to have, that I plan to have during the day while she’s gone, but by the end of the day they turn into conversations I’m not possessed of the stamina to get through.

I really need to fix this.