A Lingering Raincloud

After the whirlwind couple of days preceding it, the Fourth of July stood in strong relief. It was peaceful, easy-going, and far more contemplative than I would have liked. Somehow, we’d made it to the day before our pregnancy test without really noticing it. All the anxiety that I hadn’t experienced over the preceding days seemed to be building up inside of me. After all of that waiting, I wasn’t even remotely prepared for a negative result, if that was what was coming. And that lingering raincloud hovering over me was enough to shade everything I did on the Fourth with a hint of gray.

In the morning, Julee, Stephanie, and I hiked a short hill that Stef hadn’t been up in over a decade. The view was beautiful, and would have been even nicer had the sky been less hazy. We stood atop a manmade lookout and I squinted to see if could see the Atlantic, or Mount Washington, which the sign, and my mother-in-law, told me I might be able to see on a clearer day.

After the hike, they took me around Sebago Lake, the size of which I had marveled at up on the mountain. There were a great many pretty views, but a great many people riding my ass, so each bit of scenery had to be experienced quickly. Regardless, I had a good time.

We stopped for sandwiches on the way back to Julee’s and after a quick lunch we canoed for a bit on the stretch of the Saco River that runs along her property line. I was terrified at the beginning, as the water was way over my head and I am a poor swimmer, but eventually I got into the task at hand and had a good time. I felt ridiculous in the life jacket, but it did make me feel a little less drownable.

And that was that. The last day of our little vacation away from the world came to an end. We drove back from Maine at a slow pace, picking up fast food for dinner, administering the PIO shot with little fanfare, and then checking in on email and websites after a few days away from a computer.

As I type this the next morning, waiting for the moment when Stephanie comes out of the bedroom saying she’s ready to go to have her blood drawn, I can say that these few days away have been a welcome distraction, but that they weren’t distracting enough. I am still filled with terror over what the news might be. No amount of paddling or hiking or reading seems to be able to calm my quaking heart.

It’s almost here…