Postseason Baseball Wants - 2005

Let’s be clear about this: I know far less about baseball than most, if not all, of the people who blog about the Red Sox on a regular basis. But I’m still a fan. And I still have certain things I’d love to see out of this postseason, even if they may be absurd or totally unlikely to happen. So I thought I’d jot down a few of the things I’d like to see happen this postseason. Feel free to disagree with me, to tell me I’m a total git, or to laugh out loud at how preposterous these wants of mine are.

First and foremost, I want the Red Sox to repeat as World Series champions. I want them to play the Houston Astros in seven of the most intense baseball games we’ve yet seen. I want Roger Clemens to pitch at Fenway again, and to win, but to see that win prove ultimately meaningless.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s deal with the Division Series first.

I want the Padres to upset St. Louis because, like any true Sox fan, I love Dave Roberts. He’s playing for his hometown team now, and I want to see them succeed in the worst way.

I want Houston to beat Atlanta because, well, I like Clemens. That makes me a doodyhead? Okay, fine—I’m a doodyhead.

I want the Red Sox to beat the White Sox, obviously. And I want the Angels to beat the Yankees.

Yes, you heard me right. I want the Yankees gone in the first round.

I have no desire to see the Bronx bombers again this season at all. This whole rivalry is now like something out of a sitcom that’s overstayed its welcome by about three or four years. It’s like how every season finale of Friends was about whether Ross and Rachel were going to get together, or stay together, or break up. After a while, who even cares anymore?!? Is anyone with me on this? I mean, there are other teams in Major League Baseball that we could be playing—twenty-eight of them, to be exact (assuming, of course, that we can’t play ourselves, which would actually be kind of a hoot)—and why should playing them be any less appealing?

In the ALCS, I want the Sox to spank the Angels, just spank them into submission by putting up a dozen runs a night for four nights in a row. I don’t want it to even be a competition because, you know, LA stinks. Yeah, LA stinks. The only town that stinks worse is New York. And LA is going to beat them in the first round, so I can’t talk about how much they stink anymore.

In the NLCS, I want the Padres to force Game 7 against the Astros so that the Astros are good and tired when they come to Boston, enabling us and our shoddy bullpen a chance.

I want another parade. I want the Patriots to see the Sox repeating, despite all of their problems, and find some goshed-darn inspiration. I want to be able to stop swearing before my child is born, which is why I’m writing things like goshed-darn and doodyhead when I want to be far more vulgar. And I want the Red Sox to make everyone in this region feel good again, like they did last fall, because September is over Billy Joe and I still haven’t woken up, but when I do I want a parade.

Um, yeah. I’m a little tired. And I’m a little crazy. But that’s what I want.