Getting Over The Hump(day)

I gave up on today at about 7:45 this morning. Today was going to suck. I was convinced of it. Not only did I have to do the laundry and the groceries all in the same day, but Stef was staying home because of a massive head cold. I got up late and missed my hour of writing and really I wanted nothing to do with all the chores that were in front of me. I gave up on today about five minutes after I woke up, but I shouldn’t have.

As I’ve spent the last few weeks wondering about whether I’m ready to start a family, and about how in the hell I’m going to find a job, I’ve given a great deal of thought to what makes me tick, what pisses me off, and ultimately how to calm myself the fuck down when the going gets rough. I give up things to easily. I get pissed off at things to easily. I won’t let go of my anger.

This morning, aside from missing my hour of writing, I accidentally broke a cereal bowl, then crushed the box of cereal against the stovetop again and again, and swore at the top of my lungs at all of the inanimate objects around me that were pissing me off. Steffy, in the other room watching A Baby Story, turned off the TV and went back to bed. I don’t know if I scared her or if she just couldn’t deal with my bullshit with the way she was feeling.

While she slept I sorted our laundry and hauled it out to the car so I could get to the laundramat. I brought a story I’d been meaning to edit along with me, hoping that if I did that while the laundry was going I would feel like I’d accomplished something with my day.

It took me a the full hour and a half the laundry was being washed and dried to finish that story but I did and for the first time, the day seemed to be brightening up. On the TV at the laundramat they were reporting the discovery of a body in Washington, D.C. They were saying it might be Chandra Levy’s.

When I got home Stef and I put the laundry away and ate lunch and then I went out grocery shopping. I wasn’t thrilled about it but our list was shorter than it has been in recent weeks and so it didn’t take me as long. Upon my return home from that I started my job search for the day. After that was done with we sat down and watched the last two hours of Roots.

I look back at how I started the day and I feel silly. I always do. The truth of the matter is, I have a lot of things to work on. The only good thing is that I’m working on them and I know what they are. In that I can take some small comfort.

I’m thinking of getting out of the apartment tomorrow, going on a field trip. It’s crazy being trapped between these four walls for the better part of twenty-four hours a day.