Thirty-One (14 of 31)

When I sit alone in my office, the silence sometimes so intrusive that I am unable to concentrate on the task at hand, I often find myself wanting to call someone on the phone just so that I can hear another human being’s voice. And if I go downstairs to get snacks a little too often, it probably has something to do with the fact that I’m looking for evidence that I’m not the last man on Earth.

When I do make those phonecalls I think about making, I often make them to my wife. I call because, well, she’s my wife, but also because she’s out of work and I assume she has time to talk to me. Well, I tried to call her on Tuesday or Wednesday and it turned out that she’d suddenly landed a temporary position. While this was great news and I was initially cheery when I hung up, I eventually felt just a wee bit sad that I no longer had her to talk to during the day.

And I’m not sure what any of this has to do with the entry I’ve picked out to highlight today, except maybe that when I’m alone I am much more apt to fall prey to my bevy of nervous habits, one of which involves removing my wedding ring and spinning it like a coin across my desk.

Yeah, I’m weird. Anyway, here’s the throwback entry of the day. It’s from March 2002, and it’s about the day I took my wedding ring to the jeweler to be resized.

Ringfinger

Tonight will be the first time in 318 days that I go to sleep without a ring on my finger. I feel naked without it. I feel slightly nauseous. You would think that something bad had happened, something terrible. A fight. Maybe it slipped off. It’s been loose for God knows how long. You would think that something awful went down today when really the past twenty four hours have been quite the opposite. Except that it’s time to go to bed and there’s no ring on my finger.

I took my wedding ring to the jewelers today to get it resized and when they told me it would be Friday before I got it back I almost took it back then and there. Cooler heads prevailed however. I needed to do this. My ring has been loose since my wedding day. It fit fine when we bought it but I was in the process of losing weight and by the time the big day came round it didn’t sit so snug anymore. I needed to get this ring resized or risk losing it altogether.

I constantly fiddled with it, checking to make sure it was still there with my thumb and sometimes with my other hand. I suppose that’s why it feels so awkward now. Every time I reach for it and realize it’s not there I have to remind myself that I didn’t lose it, that it is, in fact, in safe hands.

They’re going to have to cut it which I’m not happy about. Because the rings Stephanie and I chose have this tiny design on the edge of them the place where they make the fix is going to be visible. I don’t know how visible but to put in perspective, I discovered that my ring was actually a size and a half too big. That’s a lot in ring sizes. Or so I’m told.

Mostly though, I’m just unhappy they couldn’t do it while I waited. I think that’s why I’ve put it off for so long. I wanted to find a day when I could just go there and sit and wait for it to be done. If I had to be apart from it at least we would be in the same building. It’s so strange to think that my ring is sitting in a box somewhere in Nashua. I want it back.

Human beings put a lot of stock in symbols and I am an exceptional case in point. This ring really is a token of my wife’s love for me. I see it as nothing less. To be apart from it feels wrong right down to the very core of me. When she came home tonight I felt ashamed. I didn’t want to tell her. She knew it had to be done and probably thought I was being silly feeling this way.

It was a sad way to end an otherwise profitable day. I had my first post-layoff job interview and it went exceptionally well. The only sticking point I can see is my asking price. I really want to work with them and I get the feeling that I might be a good fit there. I’m just not sure if I am too experienced or too expensive.

I’ll know by Friday.

In addition to that I put in some more time on getting my computer back to normal and then I worked on my new music video as well as a few new songs. Summer 2002 is going to see the launch of quite a few new ChrisClark projects.

And all will be well. As soon as I get my ring back.