Tori’s Offseason Baseball Analogy

Over at MySpace, Tori writes what I think is a brilliant post on the Red Sox offseason and their rehiring of Theo Epstein. Because I’m not sure if you need a MySpace account to read it, I’ll repost the whole thing after the link/below the fold. The language gets a little racy, sure, but it’s hilarious and it hits the nail right on the head.

I suppose if you worked in, say, the Vatican, it might be considered “not safe for work”, but as I’m the only person in my office I never worry about such things. Consider yourself warned, in any case.

His name is Theo and he dances on the sand…
Current mood: 26 days until pitchers and catchers report

Theo Epstein rejoined the Red Sox last night. In, of course, an unnamed capacity, which is IN NO WAY even REMOTELY LIKE or RELATED TO general manager.

This has been the most traumatic nightmare botch of an offseason I have witnessed to date. Here is the analogy I have come up with:

The Red Sox and Theo this offseason are like a couple at college who have been dating for a couple of years, and everyone thinks they are just perfect. Then, one night, they have this fight (probably at a party) that gets totally out of hand, and he starts screaming at her, and she starts screaming at him, and he tells her that the only reason he insists on sticking her in the butt is that he can’t stand looking at her fucking face anymore, and she screams that she’s not complaining because at least she notices they are having sex then, and she also adds that his cum tastes like feet and she hates him, and she has a little bit of puke on her shirt, and he starts to cry in this really loud, awkward heaving way and runs out, and she screams about what is everyone looking at and runs out in a different direction, and for the next three weeks or so they both lay really low, but if you see them in class or in the dining hall, you can’t quite bring yourself to make eye contact or anything, and then three weeks later they walk in to ANOTHER party holding hands and act like nothing is wrong and it is the most horrible but normal thing you have ever seen.

That is how I felt, when I heard that the Red Sox had rehired Theo.

Kudos to Tori. I really think that’s just the most brilliant analogy I’ve yet heard to describe this whole debacle.