List of Demands

A few weeks ago, I saw this thing on Beth’s site that I’ve been meaning to do myself ever since. Beth got the idea from Smitten, who got the idea from The Smoking Gun. Basically, the idea is to write your own list of demands, like the celebrities do. If I were doing a speaking engagement, what would I want backstage for me when I got there? That kind of thing.

Well, here’s my list.

Six (6) cans of Diet Sprite Zero and Six (6) cans of Diet A&W Root Beer. Must be in cans and must be diet. Failure to comply will result in the intravenous injection of twenty-one grams of sugar into the person responsible.

One (1) gallon of spring water and three pre-used liter spring water bottles to use as cups.

One 16oz, stainless-steel bowl full to the brim with Starburst Fruit Chews. Must be original assortment. Strawberry flavored chews are to be removed. Failure to comply will result in the pouring of microwaved strawberry chew juice into the shoes of the person responsible.

One 16oz, stainless-stell bowl full to the brim with Hershey’s Chocolate Kisses. Must be milk chocolate kisses, dark chocolate kisses, or Hugs.

One (1) bag of Doritos Nacho cheese flavored tortilla chips. Other flavors are unacceptable. Cool Ranch Doritos, if present, will be fed to the dog of the person responsible, along with the entire bowl of Hershey’s Kisses.

Three packages of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Alternate/special flavors are acceptable, including caramel-filled, chocolate lovers, et cetera. Hell, call up Hershey and have them invent a new flavor, just for my gig.

Color cable television with attached VCR, DVD player, and 5.1 Dolby Digital surround sound system. In the VCR, please have the film Howard the Duck cued to the finale scene, featuring the band performing the title song. Please also provide six different remote controls for my father to play with while he’s waiting for me to go on stage.

WiFi or Broadband Ethernet connection suitable for PC and/or Macintosh laptop. Hell, throw in an Apple MacBook Pro, while you’re at it. That is, a machine I get to leave with at the end of the engagement.

iPod docking station with speakers.

One (1) copy of Dianetics, by L. Ron Hubbard, plus one (1) trash can, one (1) bottle of lighter fluid, and one (1) book of matches.

One (1) Cookie Monster doll.

One (1) Elmo doll of any variety, hung from the ceiling and perched on a small stool.

One (1) person to laugh while I use the Cookie Monster doll to kick the stool out from under Elmo.

Ahem… well, I think that’s it. Thank God (or L. Ron) it’s Friday.