toys r us kid

Growing up, every adult I saw seemed miserable. Adulthood, to me, has always seemed like this abyss into which we are all inevitably falling. Nobody I knew was happy with their place in life past the age of eighteen. Everything about growing up seemed to be about loss. You had nothing to gain. The rights you were entitled to as you became older were nothing compared to the parts of you that you were forced to leave behind with your childhood.

And so growing up has never been something I’ve enjoyed doing. Of late that disgust for the onset of maturity has begun to cause a plethora of problems in my house, my relationship, and with my own self worth. I didn’t want to get a car. I want a job, but I don’t want one at the same time. I want to get married and grow old and have kids, but I also want to be a kid again myself. I feel like my dreams are steadily fleeing away from me. And those dreams are the only thing that have kept my young, kept me alive through all the bullsh*t that has been flung at me over the last twenty one and a half years.

I had to buy a suit this weekend for a wedding that I will be attending on the 19th. A somber experience. And it shouldn’t have been. I don’t think I really knew what was bothering me then, as I stared into the mirror, the chains of adulthood finally having taken their hold of me, but I get it now. I hated that I was there, making an effort to look and act more mature. I reacted harshly, making rude comments about a saleslady, who I can now admit was only trying to help. I didn’t want help. I didn’t want this. I wanted to be back at home playing videogames or watching MTV.

I’ve had a day to think about how I reacted to the purchasing of the suit and I see it in a different light now. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of turning into those miserable adults I grew up watching. And by being afraid I am only serving my fear, if that makes any sense. By reacting the way I have been to the inevitable force of change, I have been becoming the miserable adult that I loathe. If I had really just took a moment to step back and take stock I would have realized that the suit looked phenomenal on me, that I was going to get the chance to go see a friend get married, to spend the weekend partying with my girl, that there were so many positive things about preparing for this adult event… If I had just taken the time to notice how much fun adulthood could be, perhaps I wouldn’t have been such a jackass in the fitting room, at the register and on the way home.

Stef is a saint for putting up with me.

On a lighter note, I finally got off my ass to post a tribute to another of my friends. You can now read my thoughts about one of my best friends, Tori over at the Friends section.