Wrong Number - Texting Gone Horribly, Hilariously Wrong

When I woke up this morning, there were three text messages waiting for me on my iPhone. I don’t have a texting plan, and most people I know are aware of that and therefore only text me when it’s absolutely necessary. So, having three messages waiting was a bit unexpected. Quite curious, I opened them up to read them first-thing. Here’s what #1 said:

Serously,, she was here,, I told u when I got out the car that if she wasn’t here u can come and but she was here.Right after we argued i kickd her out my crib

and number two:

Well I am sorry,, its ok if I don’t want 2 talk 2 me but if u do end up wantn 2 I will be here 4 u 2 talk 2 me. U are a great girl and ur way betta than her.

and finally, number three:

Well it was nice knowing you.. I wish you would talk 2 me at least. But u don’t have the balls.. And quite frankly us criticize urself, cuz u involved wit ya man.

Obviously, I felt compelled to respond. I didn’t want to be the cause of a huge misunderstanding between two people who would otherwise be cheating on their significant others with each other.

So, I sent him a brief message. “You have the wrong number,” I typed. “Sorry.”

And this is what I got back:

My bad it was 430 and I just totally knocked out.. And becuz I did ur gonna say I have the wrong #.give me some slack.. I’m sorry..no prob with u cumn here at 12

Annoyed at this point, but still feeling like it was my duty to inform him that he wasn’t being played, I typed, “No, dude. Seriously, you have the wrong number. I am a guy, not a girl, and I don’t know who you are.”

This prompted three more messages, and a phone call from an blocked/unlisted number so that he could hear my voice. Here’s the first of that new blast:

Hey whatever,, I think I know ur fukn # kim…

and here’s the second:

Hey,, stephen tell kim if she don’t want 2 talk 2 me that she can act like a grown up and tell me herself.. Ayight…

and, finally, the third:

And I know ur poice stephen cuz ur the 1 who sold me bud last nite

At this point, I turned on the caps-lock. And here’s what I wrote. “I AM NOT WHO YOU THINK I AM. PLEASE STOP SENDING ME SHIT. I DON’T HAVE A TEXT PLAN AND EACH TIME YOU SEND ME SOMETHING IT COSTS ME.”

And what did I get for my very clear response? Three more messages.

#1:

Yep hahaha whatever,, I’ve only been texting her on this # for 2 days now and now it aint her phone—I wasn’t born yesterday but ok

#2, at which point I said to myself ‘One more, and I’m calling his stupid ass.’:

Ha,,, its all good ur only saying this cuz she said 4 me 2 not hit her up anymore…have some ballz stephen..

and, finally, #3, the straw that broke this camel’s back:

No wonder why her and her babies father aint 2gether cuz she’s mad wack.I dont’ want her anyways.So lata.Tell kim 2 wear condoms wit all the aids guys she fuks

The moment after this last one came in, I picked up the phone, dialed the motherfucker’s number and waited. He picked up and said something to the effect of, “Hey, whoever this is, I’m sorry. I just realized…” And, at that point, I started laughing. I laughed and I said. “It’s alright. Sorry you’re having a bad day.”