WHY-2K

This entry has nothing to do with the year 2000. I absolutely refuse to talk about it. Its being talked about in so many other places that I simply cannot, in good conscience, speak to you of this monumental event, for fear of making your head explode from all the excitement.

This entry is actually about pen pals. When I was in elementary school they set up a program, whereby a bunch of us Massholes started corresponding with a bunch of Detroit grease monkey Michiganites. (I actually don’t say this out of disrespect for Michiganites… I simply say it for dramatic effect…) I had a pen pal who I spoke with maybe twice. I don’t think we ever spoke of anything of signifigance (but what third grader did). But I always thought it was a neat idea, to be able to speak with someone so far away, to gain some knowledge about what the hell life was like outside the pathetic little microcosm (wow, such vocabulary!) of the Northeast.

Cut to a few years later… well quite a few years later… okay, only a few years ago actually… The internet revolutionized the whole pen-pal thing. Email, and chatrooms, and of course bulletin boards and newsgroups… they made it so much easier. And no longer was the whole thing limited to kids from Massachusetts talking to kids from Michigan. Now kids from Massachusetts could talk to kids from Moscow.

Amazing. The world, thanks to this little invention called the computer, has become so much smaller.

But more on that in Part Three.

Anyway, to make a long story short, (too late) yesterday, with little to no work to do, I took to the chatrooms at Yahoo! and met two wonderful new people; a guy from LA who has a band of his own, and a fiancee of his own (two things we talked about at length) and a really bright beyond her years teenager from PA named Tiffany. And it was great to make new friends. Really great. And I think I’ll definitely be speaking to them more than twice.

E-Pals.

Simply a great invention.

PART TWO
“Man On The Moon (A Very Short Review)”
Awesome. Dead on impression by Carrey. Standout performances by all. Have to disagree with my idol (Kevin Smith for those just joining us) who hated it. I think people are quick to dismiss the film because it doesn’t really offer an easy answer, or really any answer for that matter, as to why Kaufman was the way he was. I think people who don’t pay attention the ending really aren’t getting. When Andy realizes that the guy hes gone to see at the end of the film is a total hoax and he laughs… that is the point. It is so hard to believe that anybody could really buy into the whole world is an illusion thing as Andy claims to do. Many people say that sort of shit, and are really just full of shit themselves. But the fact that a guy can laugh at something like that on his deathbed really says to me that he is 100% behind his “world as an illusion"mentality. And I think that is the point of the film, that Andy was not crazy, that he was instead, a man with a very unique world view who stood behind it to the end.

Great fucking movie no matter what anybody says. And a great movie to check out… a great movie about illusions at the end of a decade which was pretty much an illusion.

PART THREE
“Why-2K”
Happy New Year.

What the hell else do I say? Watching the world celebrate on TV today, I really felt something special. While in corporate hell, where everything seems to be proceeding as if nothing fucking monumental was happening this weekend, I just haven’t felt anything special about this whole New Years thing until today… but watching the Eiffel Tower light up like it did, and the sky above Sydney… for one moment… for one day… the egotistical American media has decided to pay attention to the rest of the world… and it feels great.

Back to the thing I was saying in part one… the world has gotten so small. And I think I like it better that way. There was that SAT question where they talk about the guy who grows up in this town and comes back after years and everything is so much smaller and that used to scare me… but now I like it. I like it that I can connect with all these places, and people, all over the world… if only in a small and somewhat insignificant way… if only for a moment…

if only for a moment, once in a thousand years we could all feel this good… if only for a moment… that would give me faith in this whole mess we call life.

On nights like this, I’m 100% sure there’s some God, or some higher power out there.

Happy Fucking New Year!

See You On The Flip Side.

an exercise in futility

After a night out with “the girls” this is the best I could come up with… or steal. I ever tell you how I was trained by a feminazi on the way the world works…

1) How do you scare a man?
Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

2) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

3) Why is the book “Women Who Love Too Much,” a disappointment for many men?
No phone numbers

4) Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract

5) Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than for a women?
Because when it’s time to go back to childhood, he’s already there.

6) How are men like commercials?
You can’t believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 60 seconds.

7) How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three…one to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

8) Why are dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can understand them too.

9) What’s a man’s idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

10) How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know…it’s never happened.

11) Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Because, even back then men wouldn’t stop to ask for directions.

12) What is a man’s idea of safe sex?
A padded head board

a partridge in a pear tree

As it turns out, Christmas rocked my butt real fucking hard. I hope yours was as mine. If not, well, allow me to share a sappy story with you.

Don’t worry, I’ll give you the short version for those of you who are sick of the sappy stuff, and longing for more of the standard ChrisClark obscenity…

When I arrived at my parents’ house on Christmas morning I was a little wierded out when I found two presents from my Auntie Donna under the tree. I mean, it wasn’t that wierd seeing as how when my Grandpa passed away he had already bought cards for my brother and my cousin’s birthdays but… I don’t know… Anyway, they were presents for my Mom, and my other aunt. As it turns out she had ordered these small little gifts from a catalog or something and they had shown up at her apartment while she was in the hospital. One of the next door neighbors accepted the delivery and wrapped the presents, and when my mom was cleaning Donna’s place out the neighbor, sweet lady that she was brought them over and told her that Donna wanted them to have the gifts…

When they opened them on Christmas and they hugged and cried a little… I just thought it was the most beautiful thing, one last little gesture of kindness on Donna’s part… one more reminder that she would always be there…

And, well the rest of the weekend was just as great, ending with a bang as I made the most of an extra day off, using my gift certificates to buy a plethora of new music, cleaning the apartment, doing the laundry, and preparing to send out my first post-Bradford submission (better late than never).

All in all, I couldn’t have wished for a more perfect holiday weekend. The sobering thought that I have to go back to that fucking hellhole tommorow morning doesn’t even seem to bother me. I just feel elated and ecstatic that I had such a good holiday, from seeing everyone open the gifts that I bought them, to rocking out with my new music on the new headphones that Stef picked me up, to having some of the most amazing se… uhm… no wait, I’m a good boy, I don’t do that…

mary christmas

twas the night before christmas and all was alright, for the first time in months our hero was bright, not bright as in smart, why he was never that, but bright as in light, but not light as in weight, he was never that either…

oh fuck the fucking poetry. i was never good at dat shit.

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS!

For the first time in quite a long time, I have decided to use capital letters. Perhaps I’ll make this my Christmas gift to you. Capital letters! YAY!!!

Hey, wipe that frown off your face. Its the fuckin thought that counts right? Yeah, fuck you too.

Okay, now lets get serious for a moment. This is our first Christmas together. We should take a moment to really consider ourselves lucky that we have this webpage. It is truly a gift from God is it not? We are truly lucky that we have this…

Okay, i’m just in a fucking wacky mood and I don’t really have much to say except Mary Christmas. Merry Christmas I mean.

Okay, after two really fucking depressing entries I suppose I owe you something uplifting. I’m not real sure what to offer you except that I am really happy. Stef and I have been agonizing over how to make this whole Christmas thing work. Last year we spent the holiday apart and it sucked. I was so worried that I was going to have to face that fate again. I think she was too. We were both totally clueless as to how to see her family and my family and each other all within two days. That’s the hardest thing: When you feel obligated to be so many different places at once. Well… we’ve figured it all out. Tonight we’ll spend time with her family in Maine, and then tommorow we’ll get up real early and make the trek back to my ‘rents house in Chelmsford.

It’ll all be good.

I hope your holiday is good, and I’ll see you back here on Monday.

Merry Christmas.

unfair

just when you’re about to fall into the pits of self despair, into that self absorbed place where you think that your life sucks more than anyone else’s… just when that is about to happen to you, something, or someone pulls you out of it. sometimes that’s a pleasant thing. sometimes not.

this time it was not.

after reading yesterday’s entry i’m sure that you’ve become acutely aware of how low i’ve been, and how much i’d begun to think my life was hell… well today, i had a rough day at work, and a reimbursement check i have been patiently awaiting for two weeks still had not shown, and so my hopes for a lift out of this pit were not high. i just got off the phone with my dad and well i was lifted out of my self induced hell, but not in a good way.

there’s been another death in the family.

not my immediate family though. my uncle austin (married to my mom’s sister) lost his mother this week. what makes this especially heartbreaking, is that this is the second relative my cousins have lost in just over three weeks. it doesn’t necessarily hurt me in the way that losing donna did, but it tugs at my heartstrings, and really makes me want to cry.

those poor kids.

its like, i want to get in my car and go to their house and hug them and tell them that it’ll be okay, that life, and god are sometimes harsh, often too harsh, but that life will go on… i just want to do something… i feel so bad for them. here i was just yesterday bitching about my insignificant problems, and my cousins are having to deal with yet another loss…

i feel like an ass.

its really not fair that these kids have to go through so much, and so close to the holidays.

the only recent event that seems more unfair to me right now is the loss of the worcester firefighters (for those out of staters in the audience, worcester is a city just south of boston, and a couple of weeks ago six firefighters lost their lifes fighting a warehouse fire there) and the pain their families must be feeling.

in some ways it really does feel like the world is ending, even if the stupid why2k bug does nothing… it seems as though 1999 is bound and determined to leave its mark on the collective unconciousness.

sigh…

tommorow lets plan to talk about happier things. its about damn time we had ourselves a celebration.

we all sure as hell deserve one.