There are some days when I look back at what I wrote the day before and think, “Chris, you are full of shit.” Today was one of those days. Honestly, I had an epiphany today that left me with an enormous smile on my face. Not until today did I really stop to think about what I’ve accomplished this year. Instead of looking at missed opportunities, I stopped for a second to look at the things I set out to do and did. This journal entry is a perfect example. When I finish typing this afternoon I will have accomplished something I didn’t think I could do. When I finish typing this afternoon I will have written an entry a day for 365 days in a row.
Today was easier and I think a lot of that had to do with getting all the bullshit off my chest yesterday. A good deal of it also had something to do with sleeping better. In the middle of the night last night it occurred to me I was bundling up too tightly before going to sleep. Part of what was keeping me up at night was that I was too damn hot. Stephanie always tells me I’m putting too many layers on when I go to bed, but I never listen to her.
I should start listening.
It was only with a clear head and in the middle of a good, long Email conversation with JonMartin that I was finally able to come up with it. The one thing I’d set out to do at the beginning of the year… the one New Year’s resolution I’d made, was to write every day for a full year. If I could do that, I reasoned, I could do anything.
And here I sit, and look what I’ve accomplished. Some days it’s been rough. Some days I couldn’t think of a damn thing to put down into this thing. It’s been crazy, but I’ve made it through.
It was in the early part of 1995 that Tracy told me to write down a list of things I liked about myself, as she prepared to break up with me. If you remove the circumstances, it was a pretty good idea for an insecure guy like me.
In fact, if you like lists, (which I happen to,) then making a list of the things you like about yourself or your life is a great way of getting it out.
- I have a beautiful wife who loves me
- I wrote a book and it’s available on Amazon.com
- I wrote every day for a full year
- I’m alive
It’s the end of the line folks, the end of one act and the beginning of the next. I’m off to close the year in true style, (if not in a totally weird way. I am celebrating the New Year away from the aforementioned beautiful wife and even though I’ve mostly reconciled it in my mind, I still can’t get over the fact that maybe I should be staying home,) in Boston with Jon, who I haven’t seen since he came back from Oxford.
My New Year’s resolution this year, and it’s a big one, is to learn how to forgive myself.